I've discovered that the weeks before going away are a strangely bittersweet time. One one hand there is the mounting excitement the closer you get the the journey's start. On the other hand, there are all the things you realise you value - and you're leaving them all behind. Great friends, a loving family, a wonderful partner.
Meeting up with friends for the last goodbye, reminds you why you value them. They have been there with you for your best and worst moments, yet for this epic moment you are embarking on, they will not be there, and it is your choice. Seems strange.
Family is, well... family. When all else fails they are there, so not being there for Christmas feels as though I am failing them at a time when family is all. I will be celebrating on my own, which is somehow Not Correct, Not Done.
And then, how can I leave behind the man I love to go an extended holiday that I could have shared with him? With difficulty, is the answer. He couldn't go himself and has said many times that if I'm happy (even if it's on the other side of the world!), then so is he. I will miss having him there to share things with, so why go without him? Those aching phone calls, texts, emails, will be rendered more piognant by the sound of distance on the line, the odd timings of receiving them, the akward cramming of so much content into a few brief 'brilliants', 'amazings', 'fantastics'.
Many people are 'so jealous' you're going and think you're lucky to be leaving the British winter behind. Although it shouldn't, this produces a spark of guilt. Guilt that I will be having a great time and they will continue in the real world as before, without me; guilt that I will not have Served My Time through the winter and therefore somehow not deserve the following summer; guilt that I will perhaps bore those who weren't there with endeless re-runs of the elaborate traveller's tales that will surely result.
I know they are all happy for me but the guilt is still there. But, as it will take no more time than the descent of the plane's steps into Delhi to erase it, I don't let it worry me too much...
